Missing

The Anza-Borrego Desert

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I am missing dry summer heat something awful. New York stays warm late at night, which is something the west coast only provided me on truly scorching days, or in the desert. But that desert heat is what I miss - which is to say that I think I'm missing open skies. I'm missing blue for miles, I'm missing sun beating down from every direction, not being blocked by buildings, not glinting off of cars. I'm missing open space, I'm missing the ocean, with sandy beach stretching far and away ahead of me. I'm missing-until-my-heart-could-burst-with-aching desert sands, and cacti, big horn sheep and sun burnt rocks, and breezes so dry they crack your lips and make you squint your eyes to protect them from sand. I miss the Anza-Borrego desert most of all, the desert I grew up in, which became as much a part of my childhood and my definition of self as my family or my friends or the ocean I look at as a part of me. I feel like I am drowning for not having had a desert or an ocean in nearly a year, suffocating in missing these calming, take-me-away-from-reality pieces of nature, both so completely opposite of each other.

Maybe I'm mostly a little disappointed to realize that New York probably is not the forever city for me. I still hope to put in my full three years here, see how the city continues to grow and change, see if it is able to build up on me up thicker of a skin than that with which I arrived here. And I guess there is a lot of importance to realize who I am, deep down. That I may love the glitz and the glamour of a city as alive and constantly moving as New York, that I will never find a place as culturally in-tune with my likings of theater, museums, operas, and symphonies. But that these do not necessarily lend themselves to a city-home-forever. Would it be different if I had more of a network here? More friends, my family? Perhaps. But I also think that California and New York truly are different. That even if you have a certain set of likings, even if you possess a certain mentality, a certain liberalism, a certain desire to be more active than stagnant, there is still something innate within each of us depending on where we were raised.

My favorite past time will, probably forever, be laying out in the sun. Fully-clothed, or less than, I find more and more that I miss this. Yes I need to find a park, as I have no patio space, no balcony space, no roof space on which to take in the sun's rays. It is the act of being in silence that I miss. It is a certain desert-environment, sandy and muted in color, that I miss. These things will not be found in New York. New York is an east coast city. It is green, it is damp, it is humid, it is lush. It is beautiful and thriving and pulsing and alive, but it is not a desert. There are no moments of quiet here in Manhattan. There are no moments where you can close your eyes, feel the sun beat down on your face, and hear nothing but birds chirping or wind blowing.

Yes, I have in every sense of the word just arrived. I have not even hit my one-year mark. But the urge to walk to the ocean has never been stronger, the urge to take a road trip to the desert has never pulled at my heartstrings more. The lack of funds and of time off has never weighed more heavily upon me, setting in a certain feeling of entrapment for my inability to leave. Everyone stated that I would miss a car, while I relished the thought of truly being able to be independent of such a tether, of being able to take subways, buses, ferries anywhere I would need to go. But they were right. That Manhattan is an island, that Manhattan is a city that never sleeps, that it puts Vegas to shame in its constant movement. Manhattan gives no time for silence, no time for desert heat or soaking in the sun and turning off your brain. Why would you turn off your brain in a city like this, which promotes culture, promotes learning, promotes always growing? That is a California thing, a hippie mentality, to take time to be with nature, to take time to try to commune with something to which you will return when you die anyway. But I am finding that such hippie philosophizing is a part of who I am. It is how I was raised, perhaps because of where I was raised, perhaps because of my parents, perhaps because of my friends, perhaps because of an innate personality trait that drew me to the sun, and the sand, and the sea. Regardless of the whys, this is something that I miss. And, I suppose, something that I must look to find here.

Because, for as intense as this craving has hit me of late, to find a piece of summer that is quiet and dry in its breezes and warmth, the facts of this human life - working to earn the money that serves as our nation's barter system - are better here than they ever were in California. The job that eventually made me flee makes me fearful to return to the sleepy little city whose ever-present beaches sing their siren song now in my nostalgia and craving. Yet nowhere but there are the beaches and the desert I miss so near. Yet there are more places in the world, endless places. Places with deserts and with seas and with culture and with excitement. And always, in any new place I should one day choose to live, I will hit periods of nostalgia and missing and being completely unable to do precisely what it is I want to do at that time. Because we can each only be in one place at a time, and responsibilities reign supreme at certain times and prevent trips and gallivanting and not caring. And the frustration of the doldrums of life, and of not-knowing what would make me happiest are palpable and seemingly endless and impossible to ever really answer because as we grow we change and our desires, definitions, and feelings of home change. And so ends a post with truly no point, except to expel a smattering of the endless stream-of-consciousness thoughts that forever clutter up my mind.

Content

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I woke up in a bit of an off mood this morning, but left my apartment early enough that I could walk to work, in the relative solitude of a New York City morning where most worker bees are cramming themselves onto the trains. And, as is always the case, the walk did me a world of good. And while I did not use the time to think or to process or to debate, I did sort of float along in a swirl of melancholy songs, until I ended up in my office, early again, and am able to now briefly ruminate on how bright the sun already is, and how quiet this working space is, before the masses arrive. And it is rather sweet and all too fleeting, this small bit of solitude, even when being appreciated under flourescent lights, in front of a glowing computer screen. May you all find a little bit of peace just like this today, for I assure you it is lovely.

Chain reactions

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I have been skimping on my sleep lately, as I'm pretty sure I've lamented in posts before, and last night my body had had enough. I got home from work, had a shower and a glass of wine, and fell asleep by 8:30 pm. I woke up briefly at midnight to turn on my AC as my studio was stifling, and fell back asleep until my alarm bleeped me awake at 6:30 this morning. Nearly 10-hours of sleep later, I am feeling more chipper and like myself than I have in what feels like weeks, and it is incredible. Added bonus? I wanted to keep my energies high once I got to work so I forewent my usual "breakfast" of black coffee and some sort of sugar (candy, cookie, pastry, whatever's available) and instead went to Duane Reade to buy some proper cereal, and pretzels to snack on for later., rather than the processed sugar in Reese's Pieces or M'n'M's that I usually reach for. It really is amazing how putting my body back on a healing track makes me want to keep it going in an upwards direction. I do believe that diet and properly taking care of myself has a huge effect on my mood, and if this current chain of events is any indication, that is indeed the case. Wish me luck continuing my healthy track today - I keep thinking I really ought to buy some fruits and veggies to munch on, rather than the sodium-laden left-over Chinese food I have in the fridge for lunch, but we'll see if I get that far...Happy Wednesday all!
UPDATE: I did indeed each the sodium-laden Chinese leftovers for lunch. But, I only ate half. Gettin' there!

Tropical

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That's right kids, it's warm today. They're predicting an 80's range throughout the day and the chance of thunderstorms to boot. Sounds like a fun day to have nothing to do except for errands that do not require looking your best so that you can hop rain puddles and/or get drenched without care. Unfortunately, the majority of us at sitting in our cubicles today, and I for one plan on spending tonight using up some onions and garlic to make meals for the next week or so. It kills me to have to throw food out so I'm going to have to see what I can do. Should I be able to do this cooking with some cool rain-induced breezes coming in through my windows, I would be even more content, so let's see how this evening fares! Happy Tuesday all!

Momentous

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On Friday night, June 24, 2011, same-sex marriage was legalized in New York State. That next Sunday, June 26 was the 42nd Annual Gay Pride Parade and celebration in the city of New York, and I cannot tell you how momentous it felt to be a part of New York for the fortuitous timing of these events. I am a huge proponent of gay rights and while all my attempts at educating and phone banking did little good in my home state of California, and while these events in New York state were at a level much higher than the grass-roots level at which I ever worked, it felt beyond amazing to wake up in New York on Saturday morning, knowing that civil rights history had been made. Even more encouraging was the fact that the votes which tipped the scales in favor of marriage equality were from 2 republicans.

Little by little, we will work towards an America where all citizens have equal rights, and are treated as equal to one another. It is a long ways off, and there are so, so many other under-represented groups out there that are struggling to find their voice and gain the recognition they deserve. But each victory, such as this empowering marriage equality decision, takes us closer to that goal.

I second the signs that were waved up and down the parade route on Sunday, proclaiming "Thank you Governor Cuomo" and "Promises Kept" because the gratitude of myself as well as of my lesbian, gay, transgendered, bisexual, undecided, undefined, life-loving brothers and sisters is heartfelt and sincere, and I thank everyone who has ever fought for this necessary cause, for everything you worked towards. For New York, at least, it happened!

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Summer Rain = Sleepy Friday

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For some reason this week has really drained me. Add some stress and less-sleep-than-ideal nights to an already quasi-worn-out girl, and you can easily come away with a very out-of-sorts me. Luckily, we have arrived at Friday and I have no plans on this rainy, gloomy June day, but to go home, and be lazy. I want to laze around and sleep early, perhaps enjoy the rain hitting my windowpanes if it works out that way and I don't just hit a deluge on the way home, only to be returned to hanging gray. I hope you all have equally relaxing weekends, and do cross your fingers that I don't arrive home today with an urge to go out and do something, on the one day I'm taking advantage of to have no plans at all except wide openness for lazing about! Enjoy the weekends!

Pictures just because

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As I wasn't able to post any pictures yesterday, I thought today I'd just post a handful of pictures that were pretty to me. That's right, no rhyme or reason, I just saw them and found them attractive and this is my blog so I can do whatever I want on it, and I'm going to just put up pictures today. Neener, neener, neener. Happy Thursday all!

Hump day horrors

Why can't I post pictures?! Blogger has let me down, for without pictures this post would have been too dull for words...wish me better luck tomorrow...

A directionless musing

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Do you ever hit a point where you just don't know if you're doing anything right? I feel like I'm stuck in that quagmire of late; trying to gauge what other people want, but never receiving any verbal verification if it's met their expectations or if they would have preferred X, Y or Z...I suppose if I am satisfied then that should be enough, but I am one of those who craves verbal recognition and appreciation...though, again, this is clearly just a matter of asking if X is accurate or if Z is preferred, perhaps only to be told that Y would be ideal, but at least you know for certain then. This acting assured and living with confidence certainly is easier said than done - living in the moment seems fine and good when you only have yourself to contend with, but unfortunately life is very full of other people with other agendas and expectations, and I spend so much energy trying to determine what would satisfy them, what would make them enjoy, recognize or appreciate my work, an outing, an assignment, a meal, etc., more fully that I don't just focus on the task at hand and on my own enjoyment or satisfaction therein. One of those antsy Tuesdays I suppose....an itchy sort of morning with no real feel for how the rest of the day may go. Still, I suppose that's what life is, making the best of what comes your way, and hopefully not giving oneself ulcers over how others react to you. It really is a shame that those growing pains never stop, but I sure as hell hope I get used to them one of these days. In the meantime, I'll continue to work on not trying to be something for everyone, but instead trying to just make the most of myself, a la Cocoa Chanel's quote above.

Lazy Weekend

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This past weekend was one of those that, upon review, was really very long and relaxing. I did not sleep very much, but I spent a lot of quality time with friends, enjoyed the summer weather and the outdoors, ate good meals, met good people, had some good laughs. It's a little hard to realize the numerous, varied events and outings I crammed into a 2-day period and yet it's sort of refreshing as well. I got no errands done, but I had a great time just hanging around and seeing where the days took me, and that is much more worthwhile. There's always time for picking up prescriptions and hanging shelves, these things are not imperatives, and making memories and having fun most certainly are. See? Little by little, I'm living for the moment. :) Happy Monday everyone! We'll get through it together!

This is the moment...

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If any of you caught that Jekyll & Hyde reference, you can be my friend for life. Even though I hate that song from the show. Okay, back to it. I had another one of my ever-constant "realizations" yesterday that life is for the living, if you will excuse the over-used idea. I am very much a future-thinker, "once this is done, I can do that", "once I've achieved this, then this will be set" and so forth. When in reality, I'm never going to hit a plateau where my life can finally "start". This is it. This is all I've got, and I need to start making the most of everyday. I always have things I want to get "settled" before I take next steps...I'm truly incredible at over thinking, and I'm truly awful at being spontaneous and seeing where I end up. I'm not sure why I'm so desperate to have control like this, especially since the most fun times one has are those when they let go of that control. And, while I know these over thinking, worrying, and neurotic traits are all an innate part of my personality, and will presumably always be there, that doesn't mean I have to bow down to them continuously. This is much easier said than done, obviously, especially for me. But including in my life people with opposite personalities can surely help in making me more balanced as they push me out of my insular comfort zone, which obviously tends to grow evermore insular when one is in a new city, establishing a new social network. But having friends similar to my own personality is more-than-key too, especially since those on the fringes of my personality can get overwhelming by our sheer differences. Living in the moment is easier with others, ideally friends, that push me to new definitions of comfort, as well as with those with whom I automatically feel comfortable from the start. Just so long as I ensure that I am conscious of my actions and of my enjoyment of any given plan and activity, and make the most of every situation in which I choose to partake. That's what I have to keep reminding myself, that I have to live now. A little deep and new age-y for a Friday, perhaps, but so it goes. Enjoy the weekend, all!

Movie Madness

 A friend and I made an excursion to buy a movie to watch last night. What neither of us anticipated, was that Blockbuster would provide us with so very many movies that we would each actually want to own. We walked out of there with two bags full of purchased DVD's, and my own little film collection is shaping up quite nicely. The majority of my selections made my companion roll her eyes and declare my taste in films boring. It's true, what I like in a movie is a certain calmness, a slow-moving glimpse into another life, a moment to quiet my brain and my worries and my over thinking, and just let someone else go through all that. Truthfully, I tend to steer clear of movies that transport me into a world that is too fantastical, as I have always found them to leave me so alarmingly dissatisfied with what real life actually is able to provide. Below are some of the movies that last night's excursion added to my DVD shelf.

Princess and the Pea...Sort of

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I know I was all riled up yesterday to get some chic boxes to stack my bedding above my kitchen shelves, but I've changed my mind. (I told you I was fickle. Never say I don't understand and acknowledge my numerous flaws.) I still love the idea of boxes like that, but I also know that I am inherently lazy (see?) and I would change my bedding even less frequently than I do if I had to lug out a stool and hoist down several different boxes every time. As such, I've instead gone full-dorm-room mode, and put my bed up on risers so as to have plenty-o-storage underneath. This has proven to be a wise decision, additionally, because there is more room to store under the bed than there would be above the kitchen shelves, so I have been able to clear out the floor of my closet, so as to leave more room to organize my shoes. You see? It's a win-win, even if it is going to take a little getting used to to sleeping so high off the ground again. And, in the nature of being able to poke fun, let me now regale you with photos of other dorm rooms, all of which appear to have better natural light than my grown-up studio possesses. Hopefully in time my apartment will mature in its decor [honestly, that top dorm room is more properly-color-schemed than my abode], but for the time being, having all my bedding, towels, and so forth out of the corners and off of the floor is sweet relief to my OCD self.

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Storage Struggles

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Now that I am quasi-settled into my studio, I am confronted with the all-too-common studio-dweller complaint of "why is there no storage?" Unlike one-bedroom-or-larger apartments which generally possess some sort of hallway closet/broom closet storage situation, most studios do not possess such conveniences, leaving those of us choosing to reside within their four compact walls to fend for ourselves. I am lucky enough to have space above my kitchen cabinets which I am hoping to use as shelves to hold some simple boxes in which I will be able to cram my bedding, extra bathroom towels and so forth. Here are a few of the options that I think would look chic, if not all together fitting with the blond, 1980's-circa wood panelling my new kitchen boasts. I rather feel that I'm leaning towards the white Ikea boxes below, for a cleaner line above my cabinets...

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Gimme down-to-there hair, shoulder-length or longer....!

I am a rather fickle person by nature, especially when it comes to my hair. Usually this results in a home dye-job, the occasional professional highlights, and most often in hair cuts. Shorter and shorter I'll go, adding bangs, choppy layers. But, in addition to being fickle, I am also very impatient, and this makes the growing-out stage of haircuts very cumbersome. Granted, my hair has never been as short as it was cut this past November, so the growing-out stage has never been quite so painful heretofore. Let me tell you, I have been ready for a change for months now, and have been able to have no respite as I refuse to go any shorter, and am tired of dying my hair and having to contend with brassiness and fried ends in a matter of weeks. As such, I decided instead to satiate my need for a hair change, by adding more hair. Yup, I got myself extensions. And? I sort of love them. I haven't had hair close to this long since I was about 24 years old - even when I think it was a good 2 inches shorter - and it is so fun to have long, girly hair again. The fact that my real hair was so short is a bit irritating, as it takes a bit of blending to attempt to make the extensions blend in, but overall I am very happy with the results, and am looking forward to feeling young and fun again for summer!

Hair Before

Hair After

Everything looks better at the salon; here's a next-day look, without a wash or a blowdry. And having withstood some time spent outside in New York wind.

I got my extensions done by Alexandra at Facestation, located at 855 Lexington Avenue; or by calling 877-815-FACE (3223)

Everybody's working for the weekend!

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And now we've finally made it! The weather has cooled, it's supposed to be sunny and in the 70's this weekend,  I'm finally splurging and giving into my long-denied but many-years-long dream of getting hair extensions on Saturday [if they're not a total sh*t-show I'll be sure to post piccys of the new look come Monday!], I hope to get my tan on come Sunday, and I plan to have an all-around fabulous first-weekend in the new neighborhood! May you all have equally pamper-tastic weekends!

Lazy....

It's supposed to hit 99 degrees today. The sort of heat that's not so unbearable if it's a dry heat, if there's a pool nearby, or if you're at a beach. But I have a sneaking suspicion that 99 degree heat, with humidity, in the claustrophobia of the city, may just drive me batty. I'm a sweaty sally to begin with (Sorry, did I not mention I'm a TMI kinda girl earlier in this blog?) so anytime spent outside may not bode well today. This is the sort of weather I expected when I moved to New York, despite my apprehension regarding it, and it makes me want to sit out on my fire escape and listen to the 50's ditties that signify New York City summers to me. Rather like this little ditty, brought to life by my forever-favorite, Marilyn, in the flick "There's No Business Like Show Business." She really is the tops, in my book, and coupled with Mitzi Gaynor and Donald O'Connor? Fab. Enjoy and you New Yorkers stay cool out there!

Happy Hump Day!

Not to rip off The Wise Bean's schtick of posting awesome music videos, but this little ditty seemed fitting for today. And it is an awesome video which also screams of my youth. I'm not really sure why except that it's hot and muggy in the city today. And I'm at work, rather than seeking out a beach. Le sigh. Still, there's air conditioning, and at least there's no Heffalumps or Woozles! Happy Wednesday all!

Just because...

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...sometimes a few simple rules are nice to bear in mind. Happy Tuesday ladies and gents!

And We're Off!

 Into the new apartment, that is. All my stuff fits more comfortably than I had been imagining and so, while I still have a bit of a road ahead in terms of necessary "home" furniture - table for eating, namely - I already feel like I am home in my space. Added bonus to the move-in weekend? An incredibly dear friend from California was in town so I was able to meet up for a wonderful reunion evening and night out, which was all I could have hoped for and more. While these things would always be better if they never had to actually end, it only makes looking forward to the next meet-up that much sweeter, and so it goes. I hope everyone else had a truly fabulous weekend, and now pardon me as I begin frantically scouring the Internet for compact, space-conscious eatery options. And yes, I'm 99.99% sure this purchase will be made from IKEA. Bring it on, Swedes!

We did it!

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We've made it to Friday! And I now have a night ahead of me filled with frantic last-minute packing, a morning looming ahead with movers to pack up and transport my life into a new apartment, and a tomorrow afternoon jammed with attempting to create order in said new abode, before meeting up with a friend who is in town for the weekend. I think Sunday is going to be a sleep-in-and-lay-low kind of day. I'm already feeling stressed, and it's barely 8:30 am! I hope you all have good solid weekends, if eventful then filled with the best sorts of events, and if calm, then relaxing and rejuvenating! And the above was just a little man candy because, really, that does wonders for any day of the week, so why not an already-fabulous Friday?

Step by Step...

 I've always been a piecemeal mover - in California I would take car-fuls of my belongings from old apartment to new, over the course of afternoons and evenings, until everything but the big furniture was moved. Then I'd enlist the help of my parents and friends with trucks (the typical irritating request) and ta-da, I'd be moved! I never used professional movers. Now that I'm in New York, I have arranged with a moving company to come and be paid to relocate my heavy furniture. But old habits die hard and, while I am fully aware that I am paying these men with a truck good money to move all the belongings in my room, I still took a few boxes over this morning - in a taxi, lugging them up the block because a trash truck was blocking the taxi's ability to get right up in front of my building. But it feels good to be keeping at least a little bit of independence in moving, that I can depend mostly on myself to make these sorts of changes in my life. Yes, I understand that depending on oneself extends to arranging with professionals to move belongings. Still.

And, here, I provide for you photos of the home I will be residing in as of Saturday morning. These were taken by my broker, and they are as accurate as can be, even though New York brokers have an incredible ability to make even the tightest spaces look roomy and bright. Still, this is it - home sweet home! All 10 feet x12 feet of it. A blank canvas for me to make my own.

Keys!

Hello friends! Look, two days in a row I've now remembered to post. Be proud. I'm taking it one day at a time. Today's riveting post is brought to you by events-in-my-life-that-make-me-smile, and today's event is the picking up of my keys for my first New York solo studio. Color me excited. I will now post two pictures of other people's closets - namely from ApartmentTherapy - that will highlight the essential size of the apartment that half my monthly earnings keeps over my head. Trust that I will be including actual pictures once I get in there, because I can guarantee it won't be as simple or chic-ly furnished as these two closets. What can I say? Facts are facts!